Forty-three years was apparently long enough for one of America’s favorite celebrity couples, as word came last week that they were calling it quits.
I am talking, of course, about Barbara Millicent Roberts and Kenneth Carson, better known by their professional names: Barbie and Ken.
Lest you think I jest, Russell Arons, vice president of marketing for Mattel and the couple’s "business manager," was quoted in newspapers as saying that the pair "feel it’s time to spend some quality time – apart."
According to Arons, while Barbie and Ken’s "Hollywood romance has come to an end," the duo plan to remain friends. He also denied rumors that the breakup was caused by Barbie’s recent transformation into "Cali Girl," complete with deep tan, board shorts, bikini top and a new admirer in Australian boogie boarder "Blaine."
Barbie and Ken became a couple shortly after meeting on the set of a television commercial back in 1961. In fact, Arons hinted that the split was related to Ken’s reluctance to propose to the doll queen. Given the number of the times Barbie chose to model bridal gowns over the years, it was fairly obvious she had marriage on her mind. Only someone with a molded head could fail to see the signs.
Unfortunately, since the release of Arons’ statements, the pair have resorted to mudslinging in the press. I understand that Ken fired the first salvo, calling Barbie "pretty to look at, but ultimately, plastic."
Barbie fired back by pointing out Ken’s "obvious shortcomings in the manhood department."
Ken responded by implying that Barbie was "a little loose." This may have been tied to the recurring rumor that Barbie once had an affair with GI Joe.
Not to be outdone, Barbie claimed that Ken was "a stiff in bed – and not in a good way, either."
Stung by her remarks, a wounded Ken is quoted as calling Barbie "dumb as a pet rock."
When asked about rumors that he too had an affair with GI Joe, Ken offered this explanation: "Look, it was the 1970s. Us dolls were experimenting with a lot of stuff back then. Did GI Joe and I find ourselves naked in the back of my Volkswagen Microbus one night? Maybe. But that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it."
Meanwhile, Barbie was said to be consulting with Mattel officials regarding further changes to her image. Apparently, some of the ideas on the drawing board include redesigning her derriere to make it more "bootylicious," exposing one of her breasts at this year’s baseball all-star game and auditioning for a spot in the next edition of "Celebrity Mole."
I can’t say that this whole affair shocks me. Celebrity relationships seem destined to fail and, when they do, mudslinging is quick to follow.
But isn’t that really what we want? Messy breakups are certainly a whole lot more fun than watching our favorite celebrity couples live happily ever after or, even worse, achieve an amicable separation.
Maybe it’s a case of envy – we don’t get to experience the fame and fortune showered upon American celebrities, so we derive a wee bit of pleasure watching their personal lives fall apart.
In fact, I have a suspicion that in the bargain bin of a suburban Toys R Us somewhere in the heartland, there’s a GI Joe who’s laughing his ass off right now.
Copyright 2004 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.
Friday, February 27, 2004
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Some quick takes on recent events...
Item: Super Bowl halftime show leaves NFL and CBS outraged.
Apparently, NFL now stands for No Flashing League and CBS for Cover Boobies on Stage. But really, the response from all of the parties involved in the halftime exposure of Janet Jackson’s right breast, from the league and the television network to Ms. Jackson and Justin Timberlake, seems a little disingenuous to me.
Both performers were quick to blame the incident on equipment failure. Allegedly, Ms. Jackson’s red bra was the only thing the parties intended to reveal, but the “material collapsed,” allowing her boob to spring forth from its hiding place.
Now, I’ve been working on the removal of bras for nearly 30 years and I’ve never seen one of the cups simply “collapse.” And I’m sure that if one had, there wouldn’t have been a sun-shaped “nipple plate” underneath.
As for the outrage expressed by NFL and CBS officials, one wonders what they were expecting. The exposure occurred during a song and dance routine in which the performers simulated sex. The titillating performance was climaxed by Timberlake singing “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” then reaching to pull off Jackson’s “breast plate.”
Officials for the NFL and CBS apparently were okay with these events, so long as they did not result in full exposure. When the equipment “failed,” they reacted as if their wholesome halftime show had been sabotaged. Give me a break.
Item: Misspelling words on eBay can really cost you.
Nearly $25 billion worth of goods were sold on eBay last year. In case you’ve just been rescued from Gilligan’s Island, eBay is a website on which people offer items for sale, and other people bid against one-another to buy the items. When the time limit for auction expires, the highest bidder generally wins the right to purchase the item.
Many items, however, do not get nearly the number of bids one might expect. As a result, these items sell for far less than they are truly worth. The reason, in many cases, is the seller’s misspelling of the item.
For instance, a barely-used, top-of-the-line mountain bicycle might generate 50 bids, with the winner paying $500 or more for the bike. However, a barely-used, top-of-the-line mountain bycicle might generate only 3 bids, with the winner paying less than $100 for the byke.
Many people peruse the eBay listings in search of just this sort of mistake, hoping to profit from another’s bad fortune (or is it fourtune?). Personally, I think it can serve as a valuable lesson for my oldest son, who believes proper spelling is nothing but a nuisance. He might not feel that way after he sells some of his sports memorabelea on eBay to raise money for a new byke.
Item: The Cuban navy is at it again.
Last week they made another unsuccessful attempt to cross the Straits of Florida. The “they” I am speaking of is Marciel Basanta Lopez and Luis Grass Rodriguez, the two Cuban men who attempted to drive to the U.S. last summer in a 1951 Ford they had converted into something resembling a boat. This time, they used a 1959 Buick sedan, its doors welded shut, a prop attached to its drivetrain. They also brought nine other Cubans along for the ride.
Unfortunately, the U.S. Coast Guard picked them up short of their destination, sank the bright-green boatmobile, and escorted the group back to their homeland.
These guys certainly get my respect for their relentless, if slightly askew, pursuit of their goal. And if they do reach American soil one day (where U.S. policy of “wet foot, dry foot” would likely provide them with asylum), you can be sure that Hollywood will quickly enable them to achieve their American dreams.
Item: Quiznos Subs releases some strange commercials.
Have you seen the latest t.v. commercials for Quiznos Subs? In a word, they are unappetizing.
The commercials involve two singing puppets. Not necessarily a bad idea, except the puppets bear a striking resemblance to a pair of rats who have just undergone electro-shock therapy. Their eyes bulge out, and their hair is all frazzled. In the commercials, they sort of float in the air, singing about their love of Quiznos submarine sandwiches in high-pitched, nasally voices.
I don’t know about you, but I have to believe that utilizing rats in connection with a restaurant’s advertising is a pretty big no-no. Particularly when the rats appear to be strung out on drugs (though that might explain their ravenous appetites).
About the only way these commercials could get any worse would be if one of them had a boob accidentally pop out.
Copyright 2004 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.
Apparently, NFL now stands for No Flashing League and CBS for Cover Boobies on Stage. But really, the response from all of the parties involved in the halftime exposure of Janet Jackson’s right breast, from the league and the television network to Ms. Jackson and Justin Timberlake, seems a little disingenuous to me.
Both performers were quick to blame the incident on equipment failure. Allegedly, Ms. Jackson’s red bra was the only thing the parties intended to reveal, but the “material collapsed,” allowing her boob to spring forth from its hiding place.
Now, I’ve been working on the removal of bras for nearly 30 years and I’ve never seen one of the cups simply “collapse.” And I’m sure that if one had, there wouldn’t have been a sun-shaped “nipple plate” underneath.
As for the outrage expressed by NFL and CBS officials, one wonders what they were expecting. The exposure occurred during a song and dance routine in which the performers simulated sex. The titillating performance was climaxed by Timberlake singing “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” then reaching to pull off Jackson’s “breast plate.”
Officials for the NFL and CBS apparently were okay with these events, so long as they did not result in full exposure. When the equipment “failed,” they reacted as if their wholesome halftime show had been sabotaged. Give me a break.
Item: Misspelling words on eBay can really cost you.
Nearly $25 billion worth of goods were sold on eBay last year. In case you’ve just been rescued from Gilligan’s Island, eBay is a website on which people offer items for sale, and other people bid against one-another to buy the items. When the time limit for auction expires, the highest bidder generally wins the right to purchase the item.
Many items, however, do not get nearly the number of bids one might expect. As a result, these items sell for far less than they are truly worth. The reason, in many cases, is the seller’s misspelling of the item.
For instance, a barely-used, top-of-the-line mountain bicycle might generate 50 bids, with the winner paying $500 or more for the bike. However, a barely-used, top-of-the-line mountain bycicle might generate only 3 bids, with the winner paying less than $100 for the byke.
Many people peruse the eBay listings in search of just this sort of mistake, hoping to profit from another’s bad fortune (or is it fourtune?). Personally, I think it can serve as a valuable lesson for my oldest son, who believes proper spelling is nothing but a nuisance. He might not feel that way after he sells some of his sports memorabelea on eBay to raise money for a new byke.
Item: The Cuban navy is at it again.
Last week they made another unsuccessful attempt to cross the Straits of Florida. The “they” I am speaking of is Marciel Basanta Lopez and Luis Grass Rodriguez, the two Cuban men who attempted to drive to the U.S. last summer in a 1951 Ford they had converted into something resembling a boat. This time, they used a 1959 Buick sedan, its doors welded shut, a prop attached to its drivetrain. They also brought nine other Cubans along for the ride.
Unfortunately, the U.S. Coast Guard picked them up short of their destination, sank the bright-green boatmobile, and escorted the group back to their homeland.
These guys certainly get my respect for their relentless, if slightly askew, pursuit of their goal. And if they do reach American soil one day (where U.S. policy of “wet foot, dry foot” would likely provide them with asylum), you can be sure that Hollywood will quickly enable them to achieve their American dreams.
Item: Quiznos Subs releases some strange commercials.
Have you seen the latest t.v. commercials for Quiznos Subs? In a word, they are unappetizing.
The commercials involve two singing puppets. Not necessarily a bad idea, except the puppets bear a striking resemblance to a pair of rats who have just undergone electro-shock therapy. Their eyes bulge out, and their hair is all frazzled. In the commercials, they sort of float in the air, singing about their love of Quiznos submarine sandwiches in high-pitched, nasally voices.
I don’t know about you, but I have to believe that utilizing rats in connection with a restaurant’s advertising is a pretty big no-no. Particularly when the rats appear to be strung out on drugs (though that might explain their ravenous appetites).
About the only way these commercials could get any worse would be if one of them had a boob accidentally pop out.
Copyright 2004 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.
