Jury Duty

My wife just received a jury duty questionnaire in the mail and asked me to help her fill it out.

Of course, she wasn’t seeking my legal expertise in order to complete the questionnaire more accurately; no, my saintly wife hoped I could insure her rejection from the juror pool.

Now many people (including yours truly) believe that it is our civic duty to serve on a jury when called.

There are many other people, however, who view it as a royal pain and go to great lengths to obtain pain relief.

Apparently, my wife is one of those.

Not one to run from a woman in need of assistance (particularly if I happen to share my bed with said woman), I agreed to look over the questionnaire and offer her some advice.

To that end, I have come up with the following proposed answers to some of the key questions in the questionnaire:

Q: Are you a citizen of the United States?

A: I don’t know, does crossing the border in the trunk of a car during the middle of the night make me a citizen?

Q: Have you ever been a law enforcement officer?

A: No, but I have made plenty of citizen arrests. Does that count?

Q: Have you served as a juror during the past 12 months?

A: No. Usually I move out of the state when I receive this notice in the mail.

Q: Do you have a permanent physical or mental disability that would interfere with or prevent you from serving as a juror?

A: No, it’s only a temporary condition that strikes whenever I sit for any length of time with a group of my peers.

Q: Have you ever been involved in a criminal suit?

A: Yes, but it was against my will.

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

A: Convicted? No.

Q: Have you ever been confined in any correctional facility or prison?

A: Confined? No, I’ve always been able to escape.

Q: Are you presently employed?

A: Yes, at the local branch of the U.S. Post Office. But I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I’ve just about had it.

Q: Any other occupations in the last 10 years?

A: Counterfeiter, safecracker, cat burglar, jaywalker.

There you have it. Feel free to borrow any of these answers should you receive the same questionnaire in the mail.

Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.