Auto Show Etiquette

Recently, I took the family to the 2004 edition of the North American International Auto Show in downtown Detroit.

As life-long residents of the Motor City, I believe its our civic duty to brave the bitter cold and swarm-like crowds to attend the annual event. Plus, the cars are pretty darn cool.

Of course, during the drive to the show, my wife and I once again laid down the law for my two sons and their tag-along friend. The ground rules include the ever-popular "Always stay within eyesight", the utilitarian "Remember to use your manors" and the hopelessly optimistic "Don’t ask us to buy you anything – particularly if it requires an owner’s manual."

Once inside the cavernous exhibition hall, the three boys adhered to our guidelines in a manner which can only be described as commendable. Unfortunately, the actions of many grown-ups in attendance left much to be desired.

As a result, the following is my brief list of rules for adults who are planning to attend an upcoming auto show in their hometown:

DO have a seat inside the various open models located on the floor.

DON’T lock yourself in, then sit for 10 minutes pretending you are engaged in a high-speed chase on the Autobahn. This is particularly apropos when people are lined up for a turn to sit in the car, and we can all see you making "Varoom! Varoom!" noises on the inside.

DO lift your three-year-old out of his stroller to give him a better look at the $80,000 Range Rover that has drawn a small crowd.

DON’T allow your three-year-old unsupervised access to the interior of said Range Rover, especially if that three-year-old has a sticky, foreign substance all over his clothing and views the lap of the unrelated adult sitting behind the wheel as nothing more than a built-in booster seat.

DO stand and politely admire your favorite car.

DON’T walk into the middle of a group of people admiring a certain model and say out-loud, "Wow, that car is butt-ugly!"

DO help yourself to the free brochures for the various production and concept cars on display.

DON’T grab enough brochures to wallpaper your den, leaving an empty box for the child waiting politely behind you.

DO ask the pretty spokesmodel standing near a concept car questions about said vehicle.

DON’T ask the pretty spokesmodel to go for a ride in your car.

DO check out the multitude of useful storage bins placed throughout the new Lincoln Navigator.

DON’T use one of said storage binds to dispose of the paper cup from your tall caramel macchiato.

DO suppress all bodily emissions while seated in a floor model with three other people you don’t know.

DON’T slip one out and then exit the car, leaving the other occupants to suffer in silence.

DO ask for your wife’s opinion of the hot, little convertible number she has secretly desired for years.

DON’T ask for your wife’s opinion of the latest minivan model, especially after she vowed to shave your head bald while you slept the last time you brought up the "M" word.

Now, one might be able to come up with additional rules if given time, but I think the preceding is a pretty good start. In fact, if auto show attendees would simply adhere to these guidelines, I am certain the event would prove to be more enjoyable for all concerned.

With that said, I need to go check the mirror to see whether my hair is starting to grow back.

Copyright 2004 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.