Some quick takes on recent events...

Item: Super Bowl halftime show leaves NFL and CBS outraged.

Apparently, NFL now stands for No Flashing League and CBS for Cover Boobies on Stage. But really, the response from all of the parties involved in the halftime exposure of Janet Jackson’s right breast, from the league and the television network to Ms. Jackson and Justin Timberlake, seems a little disingenuous to me.

Both performers were quick to blame the incident on equipment failure. Allegedly, Ms. Jackson’s red bra was the only thing the parties intended to reveal, but the “material collapsed,” allowing her boob to spring forth from its hiding place.

Now, I’ve been working on the removal of bras for nearly 30 years and I’ve never seen one of the cups simply “collapse.” And I’m sure that if one had, there wouldn’t have been a sun-shaped “nipple plate” underneath.

As for the outrage expressed by NFL and CBS officials, one wonders what they were expecting. The exposure occurred during a song and dance routine in which the performers simulated sex. The titillating performance was climaxed by Timberlake singing “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song,” then reaching to pull off Jackson’s “breast plate.”

Officials for the NFL and CBS apparently were okay with these events, so long as they did not result in full exposure. When the equipment “failed,” they reacted as if their wholesome halftime show had been sabotaged. Give me a break.

Item: Misspelling words on eBay can really cost you.

Nearly $25 billion worth of goods were sold on eBay last year. In case you’ve just been rescued from Gilligan’s Island, eBay is a website on which people offer items for sale, and other people bid against one-another to buy the items. When the time limit for auction expires, the highest bidder generally wins the right to purchase the item.

Many items, however, do not get nearly the number of bids one might expect. As a result, these items sell for far less than they are truly worth. The reason, in many cases, is the seller’s misspelling of the item.

For instance, a barely-used, top-of-the-line mountain bicycle might generate 50 bids, with the winner paying $500 or more for the bike. However, a barely-used, top-of-the-line mountain bycicle might generate only 3 bids, with the winner paying less than $100 for the byke.

Many people peruse the eBay listings in search of just this sort of mistake, hoping to profit from another’s bad fortune (or is it fourtune?). Personally, I think it can serve as a valuable lesson for my oldest son, who believes proper spelling is nothing but a nuisance. He might not feel that way after he sells some of his sports memorabelea on eBay to raise money for a new byke.

Item: The Cuban navy is at it again.

Last week they made another unsuccessful attempt to cross the Straits of Florida. The “they” I am speaking of is Marciel Basanta Lopez and Luis Grass Rodriguez, the two Cuban men who attempted to drive to the U.S. last summer in a 1951 Ford they had converted into something resembling a boat. This time, they used a 1959 Buick sedan, its doors welded shut, a prop attached to its drivetrain. They also brought nine other Cubans along for the ride.

Unfortunately, the U.S. Coast Guard picked them up short of their destination, sank the bright-green boatmobile, and escorted the group back to their homeland.

These guys certainly get my respect for their relentless, if slightly askew, pursuit of their goal. And if they do reach American soil one day (where U.S. policy of “wet foot, dry foot” would likely provide them with asylum), you can be sure that Hollywood will quickly enable them to achieve their American dreams.

Item: Quiznos Subs releases some strange commercials.

Have you seen the latest t.v. commercials for Quiznos Subs? In a word, they are unappetizing.

The commercials involve two singing puppets. Not necessarily a bad idea, except the puppets bear a striking resemblance to a pair of rats who have just undergone electro-shock therapy. Their eyes bulge out, and their hair is all frazzled. In the commercials, they sort of float in the air, singing about their love of Quiznos submarine sandwiches in high-pitched, nasally voices.

I don’t know about you, but I have to believe that utilizing rats in connection with a restaurant’s advertising is a pretty big no-no. Particularly when the rats appear to be strung out on drugs (though that might explain their ravenous appetites).

About the only way these commercials could get any worse would be if one of them had a boob accidentally pop out.

Copyright 2004 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.