Breakup in Toyland

Forty-three years was apparently long enough for one of America’s favorite celebrity couples, as word came last week that they were calling it quits.

I am talking, of course, about Barbara Millicent Roberts and Kenneth Carson, better known by their professional names: Barbie and Ken.

Lest you think I jest, Russell Arons, vice president of marketing for Mattel and the couple’s "business manager," was quoted in newspapers as saying that the pair "feel it’s time to spend some quality time – apart."

According to Arons, while Barbie and Ken’s "Hollywood romance has come to an end," the duo plan to remain friends. He also denied rumors that the breakup was caused by Barbie’s recent transformation into "Cali Girl," complete with deep tan, board shorts, bikini top and a new admirer in Australian boogie boarder "Blaine."

Barbie and Ken became a couple shortly after meeting on the set of a television commercial back in 1961. In fact, Arons hinted that the split was related to Ken’s reluctance to propose to the doll queen. Given the number of the times Barbie chose to model bridal gowns over the years, it was fairly obvious she had marriage on her mind. Only someone with a molded head could fail to see the signs.

Unfortunately, since the release of Arons’ statements, the pair have resorted to mudslinging in the press. I understand that Ken fired the first salvo, calling Barbie "pretty to look at, but ultimately, plastic."

Barbie fired back by pointing out Ken’s "obvious shortcomings in the manhood department."

Ken responded by implying that Barbie was "a little loose." This may have been tied to the recurring rumor that Barbie once had an affair with GI Joe.

Not to be outdone, Barbie claimed that Ken was "a stiff in bed – and not in a good way, either."

Stung by her remarks, a wounded Ken is quoted as calling Barbie "dumb as a pet rock."

When asked about rumors that he too had an affair with GI Joe, Ken offered this explanation: "Look, it was the 1970s. Us dolls were experimenting with a lot of stuff back then. Did GI Joe and I find ourselves naked in the back of my Volkswagen Microbus one night? Maybe. But that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it."

Meanwhile, Barbie was said to be consulting with Mattel officials regarding further changes to her image. Apparently, some of the ideas on the drawing board include redesigning her derriere to make it more "bootylicious," exposing one of her breasts at this year’s baseball all-star game and auditioning for a spot in the next edition of "Celebrity Mole."

I can’t say that this whole affair shocks me. Celebrity relationships seem destined to fail and, when they do, mudslinging is quick to follow.

But isn’t that really what we want? Messy breakups are certainly a whole lot more fun than watching our favorite celebrity couples live happily ever after or, even worse, achieve an amicable separation.

Maybe it’s a case of envy – we don’t get to experience the fame and fortune showered upon American celebrities, so we derive a wee bit of pleasure watching their personal lives fall apart.

In fact, I have a suspicion that in the bargain bin of a suburban Toys R Us somewhere in the heartland, there’s a GI Joe who’s laughing his ass off right now.

Copyright 2004 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.