NOSTRILDAMUS AND OTHER SUPERHEROES

Many people seem to exercise questionable judgment when they climb behind the wheel of a car. No, I’m not talking about the idiots who drink and drive, but rather people who apply makeup, shave, eat breakfast or engage in animated cell phone conversations while doing fifteen over the speed limit.

Heck, some people do three or more of these tasks at the same time. And drive a stick!

Now, to be honest, I have been known to steer with my knee on occasion. But only briefly and while I jotted down some notes on future column ideas.

It’s actually quite amazing what one can do with a dexterous knee. Once, I even used my knee to swerve my car around a large pothole in the road. Unfortunately, these evasive measures resulted in the untimely death of a hesitant squirrel, though they did save me from spilling my cereal and milk.

But I digress. The real targets of this column are those people who motor along while excavating their olfactory orifices with a digital drill. Or, to quote my frequently disgusted wife: “Look at how far that guy has his finger up his nose!”

Those people who are guilty of this violation of etiquette need a quick slap upside the head. And, possibly, a box of Kleenex.

Do they really think their dirty deeds go unnoticed?

It’s almost as if they believe that inserting a finger in their nostril somehow triggers a superpower that makes them invisible to the rest of the general public. Like some sort of oddball superhero. Boogerman, perhaps? Nostrildamus? The Green…

Problem is, the opposite actually holds true. These people stick out like, well, someone with a finger up their nose. Similar to those goofballs who, oblivious to the rest of the world, drive along singing at the top of their lungs (okay, that would be me). Something my wife calls, “Car-ee-oh-kee.”

Even worse, sometimes the picker’s finger is way up there. In fact, it seems the nicer the car, the deeper the digit. Not that I’ve studied the matter, mind you, but one time I noticed a guy in a Ferrari with his whole -- well, you get the ugly picture.

So, what should be done to stop this problem from getting out of hand? [pun definitely intended]

Well, I don’t think we can really stop people from digging while they drive. It is a free country, after all, and the First Amendment does protect “freedom of expression.” Furthermore, the Second Amendment protects the "right to...bear arms."

And then there's the rule that is frequently proclaimed by my older son: “When ya gotta pick, ya gotta pick.”

To rectify this "sticky" situation, I propose we require all new automobiles be equipped with dark tinted glass -- the kind you can only see vague shapes through.

Dark tinted glass will keep the non-pickers from having to witness the pickers at work, and it will enable the pickers to do their jobs without having to worry about being caught with their fingers in the boogie jar, so-to-speak.

As a side benefit, it will also free up all of us practitioners of Car-ee-oh-kee.

I think the idea has merit. And it’s not all that wacky, either. After all, limousines have been using dark tinted glass for years.

Hey, maybe that's what the rich and famous are doing in there.

(c) Marc L. Prey 2002
All rights reserved.