Vanity can be toxic

Made any resolutions this year?

If you are like most folks, you’ve probably resolved to make some form of personal improvement during the coming year, like quitting smoking or boycotting Crispy Cremes.

I would bet that a good portion of the resolutions made each New Year involve improving one’s physical appearance. Why is this a safe bet? Because I know there are mirrors in every home.

In the quest to cheat Mother Nature and defraud Father Time, Homo sapiens (otherwise known as vainius erectus) enlist all manner of device and formula, regardless of the consequences. From beauty creams to hair plugs to liposuction, if it promises to make us more attractive, we gladly open our wallets and pass out our plastic. Unfortunately, when it comes to extreme changes, it seems that there’s often a higher price to pay.

“So, Martha, what do you have planned this week?”

“Oh, nothing much, Charlotte. Just a breast job, tummy tuck and chin extension.”

Now, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not completely opposed to enhancing one’s looks -- especially if it leads to a more positive self-image. But like anything else, too much of a good thing is, well, not a good thing.

You only have to take one look at Michael Jackson to know this is true. Warning: Do not look too long.

It seems to me that more and more people are engaging in what I believe is an unhealthy obsession over the effects of aging on the skin-wrapped vessels they inhabit. These are the same people who are shelling out $500 or more for quarterly injections of Botox.

In case you’ve just returned from a five-year stint in the Peace Corps, Botox is a toxin produced by the same bacteria that causes botulism. In smaller doses, Botox works to freeze the muscles in the face that cause wrinkles, including crow's feet, frown lines, and forehead creases.

Unfortunately, the effect usually wears off within three to four months, so regular injections are necessary. A Botox obsession can easily cost thousands of dollars a year.

Now, some Botox customers are discovering there’s another price to pay for their smooth skin. Researchers at Indiana University Medical Center studied a group of people who received Botox injections in their foreheads. They report that nearly all of the patients incurred an unwanted side effect -- immobile eyebrows.

Since eyebrow movement is a significant component in facial expression, the researchers fear that Botox usage will cause a nationwide outbreak of smooth but bland faces. Thus, more and more people may have their expressions frozen in a perpetual state of “duh.” This could lead to a class of citizens known as the “Duh-Heads,” raising all sorts of interesting new discrimination issues.

“Your Honor, my client was fired by his employer for no reason other than his frozen facial expression.”

“But counselor, wasn’t your client employed as a clown?”

Still, the effects of Botox could also prove to have unexpected benefits. Take all of those sourpusses out there who never crack a smile. Well, a little Botox around the mouth and -- presto -- permanent grins. As an added bonus, they might pick up extra work moonlighting as the Joker in Batman.

Or, how about those people who are gullible to a fault? You know, the ones who believe you when you tell them the hairpiece is hardly noticeable. Well, they might consider a Botox injection to arch one eyebrow, thereby achieving a permanently skeptical look.

And even those bland faces identified by the Indiana researchers could come in handy when poker night rolls around.

“Dammit, Bob, another straight flush? It didn’t even look like you were paying attention…”

So, I guess I shouldn’t frown when an acquaintance informs me she is planning to attend a Botox party at her neighbor’s house. But it’s hard to keep from raising my eyebrows at her.

After all, they’re Botox-free.

(c) Marc L. Prey 2003
All rights reserved.