The mysterious world of women's magazines
What is the deal with the articles in women’s magazines? Are these articles for real? Seriously, inquiring male minds want to know.
See, the other day I found myself planted on the commode without any male reading material -- the newspaper, "Sports Illustrated", the Victoria’s Secret catalogue, the label on a can of air freshener, etc. So I succumbed to the pressure and picked up one of the women’s magazines my wife regularly receives.
What can I say, I was desperate.
Anyway, I think the magazine was called "Cosmoglamourbook", or something like that. What I do know with absolute certainty is, the pages smelled like they had just been used as a floor mop in the perfume department at Marshall Field’s.
Throwing caution (and my olfactory glands) to the wind, I started thumbing through the magazine. I came across articles entitled “Love, love, love -- super-glue your love” (sounds painful to me), “Sexier Sex” (or was it “Sexy Sex” or maybe “Sexier Sexy Sex” -- I’m not quite sure) and -- something every guy would encourage -- “53 Ways to be Even Sexier for Your Man.”
Like every red-blooded American male, I’m all for sexiness in women. But after a quick glance at some of the suggestions put forth by the female author of this article, I was left more dumbfounded than encouraged.
Such as, “When you say something saucy to him in bed, do it in a pitch that’s two or three notes lower than your usual talking voice.” Yeah, if you want him to think he’s suddenly found himself in bed with a truck driver named Al. Best case scenario, he thinks you’re coming down with a case of the flu and puts you in quarantine.
Then there was, “Give yourself a special stripper name like Delicious or Candy.” Or better yet, how about “Delicious Candy”. For a more realistic approach, try “STD Sally”. Of course, if a woman follows this suggestion it’s only a matter of time before she arrives home to find her significant other has installed a pole and disco ball in their bedroom.
Along the same lines was the suggestion to “adopt a thrilling theme song”. Just what every guy craves: Engaging in marital relations while the music from “Star Wars” blares in the background.
How about this suggestion: “Move in slow motion.” That’s right, act like you just dropped acid and woke up in a world where the atmosphere is maple syrup -- that’s a sure turn-on in my book. After all, what guy doesn’t find a woman with the moves of an octogenarian grandmother sexy?
Then there was the seemingly innocuous suggestion to “eat dessert while staring into his eyes.” Which, of course, should be immediately followed by the equally sexy “wipe the dessert off your lap after it falls from your fork.”
Or the suggestion to “wear smudgy black eyeliner for that smoldering temptress look.” Not to be confused with the “How dare you even think about sex after I’ve just been crying my eyes out” look.
Finally, the article suggested that women “coin their own sex move”, which -- combined with the stripper name and sexual theme song -- might prove very effective for launching that porn career you gals have secretly dreamed about.
I suspect it might also result in the following conversation:
Homer: “Honey, what are you doing down there?”
Marge: “I’m doing the ‘One-on-one, three-sixty, flying toe curler’ -- in the pike position, of course.”
Homer: “The what position?”
Marge: “Piiiiiiiiiiiiike!”
Homer: “Okay, well, you have fun. I’m gonna go to the bathroom. By the way, is there anything good in there to read?”
Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.
