The trouble with hello (and goodbye)

Do you kiss the opposite sex hello and goodbye?

This has been a confusing issue for me since my youth. Right up there with, “What do women really want?” and “What goes with brown socks?”

I was raised in a family that was far from touchy-feely. About as far as Michael Jackson is from an invitation to perform with the Vienna Boys Choir.

As a result, I never kissed my relatives hello or goodbye. Heck, I don’t think I even kissed my own mother until well into adulthood -- and then, only on the cheek.

Occasionally, I would find myself at a friend’s house where kissing was the norm. When family or friends would show up, the place would turn into an all-out kissing festival, with lips smacking everywhere you looked.

Oh, the humanity!

Of course, I would stand and watch with my mouth agog and a dazed expression on my face, not unlike how one might look if a group of extraterrestrials walked in and asked to use the bathroom. Then I would return home and shake hands with my visiting grandmother.

Now, as an adult, I continue to struggle with the issue of kissing as it relates to friends and acquaintances.

You know, there really should be some universal rules promulgated for guys like me -- with our lips hanging out there like a baboon’s derriere -- to rely upon in social settings. Instead, we are left to our own devices, a frightening thought if there ever was one.

For instance, the following are some questions of kissing etiquette and my unscientific guess as to the answers…

Question: When introduced to a new couple, is it ever proper for a guy to kiss the woman goodbye?

Answer: No -- especially if she’s more attractive than your wife.

Question: How long must one know another person before a kiss hello and goodbye is appropriate?

Answer: Again, it depends on the attractiveness of the person, as compared to your spouse. If you are a woman and the new male acquaintance is a dead ringer for Matthew McConaughey, the answer will probably contain the words “Hell” and “freezes over”.

Question: If a guy forgets to kiss a woman hello, is it acceptable to kiss her goodbye?

Answer: Probably not. Failing to kiss the woman hello may convert the relationship to kiss-free hug status. At this point, it is best to let the woman take the lead during the parting festivities.

Question: If you have been kissing a friend or relative only on the cheek, is it ever proper to kiss said person on the lips?

Answer: Only if he or she suddenly develops a rash on both cheeks. Then again, it may be safer still to utilize a pat-on-the-back until the rash responds to medical treatment.

Question: What should you do when you are about to greet someone with a kiss hello and notice a cold sore the size of Mount St. Helen’s on their lip?

Answer: Go into to immediate fake sneeze mode, blowing a phony sneeze into your hands and excusing yourself so that you can seek a Kleenex. Hopefully, the kissing festivities will be over by the time you return.

Question: If you are on a handshake and hug basis with another couple and one day the guy begins kissing your spouse hello and goodbye, must you follow suit with the gal?

Answer: Absolutely -- regardless of whether she has an active cold sore on her lip. After all, life is one giant competition, and we aren’t about to let another guy get the upper hand that easily. Even if it means contracting herpes.

Question: Is it ever permissible to open one’s mouth when kissing a friend or relative hello and goodbye?

Answer: No -- except in the event you have suddenly stopped breathing and require immediate resuscitation.

Judging by these answers, you can probably tell I have a few hangups when it comes to greeting friends and relatives. Okay, maybe more than a few.

So, if you happen to be a female acquaintance, do me a favor next time we meet -- please take the lead.

Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.