America’s biggest knuckleheads

I just discovered you can purchase a deck of Iraq’s Most Wanted playing cards on the Internet. This is the same infamous deck of fifty-five cards that the U.S. Department of Defense recently issued to aid in capturing Sadam Hussein (Ace of Spades) and his cronies.

An authentic deck will set you back about $100 (if interested, check out any of the popular online auction sites), while replica decks are being hawked for as little as $5.95, not including shipping and handling.

Because of their novelty, I’m thinking about acquiring a replica deck for myself. They would certainly liven up poker night.

The cards have also inspired me to create my own version, at least in the figurative sense. Thus, I give the top twelve cards in my deck of The Biggest Knuckleheads in America.

The “Queens”:

Winona Ryder - “I make millions of dollars per film, but none of it can buy me the thrill I get when shoplifting scarves at Saks!”

Martha Stewart - “I make millions of dollars per year from my lifestyle empire, but none of it can buy me the thrill I get when engaging in insider trading and otherwise screwing the poor saps who buy stock in my company!”

Natalie Maines - “I make millions of dollars per year from sales of Dixie Chicks records, but it can’t buy me anything that tastes near as good as my own foot.”

Pamela Lee - Changes breast size as often as she changes hair styles. After buying a home with Kid Rock in Metro Detroit, sends letters to local restaurants imploring them to “go vegetarian”. Included on the list: Lafayette Coney Island.

The “Kings”:

Larry Eustachy - The head basketball coach at Iowa State University and married father of two, Eustachy is facing almost certain termination for getting drunk at more than one off-campus, student party and planting unwanted kisses on the faces of various coeds while having his picture snapped. His defense: “My players do it all the time. I was just trying to fit in.”

Mike Price - The head football coach at the University of Alabama and married father of three was fired after visiting a strip joint, taking one of the “dancers” back to his hotel room and allowing her to charge $1,000 in room service. Hired away from Washington State University this winter, Price’s stupidity will prevent him from ever coaching a game for the Crimson Tide. Asked if his actions were worth the negative consequences, he answered, “Just barely.”

Geraldo Rivera - Violated military rules by revealing secret details of U.S. troop movements while drawing a map in the sand on Fox News. Later apologized, claiming he didn’t know any better. Also claimed to be Napoleon in a former life.

Peter Arnett - Fired by NBC as a war correspondent after providing indirect encouragement to Sadam’s regime early in the war by stating that U.S. war efforts were failing during an interview on Iraqi television. Later hired as national media director by France.

The “Aces”:

Mike Tyson (Ace of Clubs) - Biting the ear off an opponent while getting beat up during a boxing match may possibly be the worst case of poor sportsmanship in the history of athletics. I could go on and on, but I kind of like my ears…

Bobby Knight (Ace of Hearts) - Has made a career out of boorish behavior. After countless acts of verbal and physical abuse, he was finally fired by Indiana University after choking a student heckler. Now suing the school for wrongful termination, claiming he should have had an opportunity to finish the heckler off.

Michael Jackson (Ace of Diamonds) - More talent than God, but blew it on young boys and self-mutilation. Being sued by Barbara Walters for emotional distress after his nose fell off during an interview. Claims he shouldn’t be held responsible for dangling a baby over a hotel balcony, as he was dared by Bubbles the Chimp.

O.J. (Ace of Spades) - The king of denial, O.J. is like some warped, evil cartoon character. Acts as if people stare at him because he was once a famous athlete. Can’t figure out why neighbors continuously move away. Most recently in the news when teenage daughter Sydney called 911 in tears after he verbally abused her. I have one word of advice for Sydney: RUN!

There you have it -- the top twelve cards in my deck of America’s Biggest Knuckleheads. On sale soon at an Internet site near you.

Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.