Different strokes for California folks

Not too long ago my eight-year-old son asked me if we could move to California. A natural born performer with multiple talents, he had discovered that Hollywood is the epicenter of the entertainment world.

Of course, a West Coast address would also be beneficial for his old man, whose pursuit of a screenwriting career is saddled with a debilitating handicap – residence in suburban Detroit.

Still, my wife and I have given the matter serious consideration and, after weighing the pros and cons, we decided to stay put.

This did not sit well with my youngest: "How do you expect me to get a part in the next ‘Spy Kids’ movie?"

He will be happy when he learns that a recent development has got me thinking differently.

You see, I really want to vote in California’s gubernatorial recall election, which is scheduled for October 7.

In case you just snapped out of a lengthy coma – does Hallmark make a card for such occasions? – the slate of candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring (in the case of one candidate, make that a watermelon) would fill the booking agent at the Conan O’Brien show with envy.

First up on the ballot is the "Terminator" himself, Ahhhnold Schwahhhzenegger. I understand that "Vote for me, or I will break you!" is his official campaign slogan. And every campaign speech is destined to end with "I’ll be back!"

Also on the ballot are Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt (he describes himself as "a smut peddler who cares"), porn star Mary Carey (an anti-gun activist, she announced a "porno-for-pistols" program), Hollywood personality Angelyne (author of the intellectual thriller, "The Bra that ate LA") and obnoxious comedian and fruit abuser Gallagher.

But the guy who would get my vote, hands-down, is former child star and current security guard, Gary Coleman. Famous for his role as Arnold Jackson on the 1980s hit, "Different Strokes," the diminutive Coleman now pops up regularly on "Star Dates," a reality train-wreck show in which ordinary people go on dates with washed-up celebs.

I imagine a debate between Ahhhnold and Gary Coleman might go something like this:

Moderator: "Mr. Schwarzenegger, please make an opening statement."

Ahhnold: "Alright. Vote for me because I will pump up California’s economy."

Coleman: "Speaking up pumping something up, what about all those claims of sexual harrassment by your former assistants."

Ahhnold: "Hey, shorty, at least I can afford to hire assistants to harrass."

Coleman: "Good point, Willis."

Ahhnold: "Willis?"

Moderator: "Okay, okay. Mr. Coleman, will you please make your opening statment."

Coleman: "Gotcha, chief. All you people should vote for me because I’ll reduce your taxes."

Ahhnold: "I heard your tax relief plan is based on height."

Coleman: "Yep. The taller the taxpayer, the higher the tax bracket."

Ahhnold: "What about beautiful muscles? Do you get a deduction if you have them?"

Coleman: "Nope."

Ahhnold: "Then I will squash your tax plan – and you too!"

Coleman: "Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?"

Coleman proceeds to mug for the camera, while Ahhnold looks behind him for this mysterious "Willis" fellow.

With that, Coleman would be declared the winner and move on to debate the merits of physical comedy with Gallagher.

A talented screenwriter couldn’t make up something this good. It’s better than a "Jerry Springer" episode in which husbands confront wives who have been working as undercover FBI strippers while secretly engaging in illicit affairs with their transvestite third cousins.

Only in America can voters recall a career politician and replace him with the "Govinator". I imagine many Minnesotans are rejoicing at the prospect that this development may lead the rest of the country to forget the fact that a professional wrestler occupies the governor’s mansion in their state.

All of which has me thinking that my wife and I should reconsider our position on family residency. After all, I just read that Gary Coleman is looking for a speech writer.

Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.