Is There a Mind-Reader in the House?

This is not going to be easy, but I feel it is my duty as a purveyor of goodwill between the sexes to address a long-standing misconception.

Women (and you know who you are), it is high time you realized the truth about us men: We are simple creatures, and we take what you say at face value.

I know you have suspected the "simple" part of this statement for some time now (say, from the moment you first saw us use the great outdoors as a bathroom), but let me put to rest any doubts you may have: It’s not an act.

We men are a guileless (and frequently clueless) fraternity. When you say something like, "Whatever you make for dinner will be fine," we believe you. As a result, we are flabbergasted when you berate us for serving you fish sticks and tater tots.

Apparently, you expect us to develop mind-reading capabilities as a result of taking our marriage vows. The reality is, we only become dumber.

As evidence of your unreasonable expectations, I cite a recent passage from a "Home Life" column by local newspaper scribe Marney Rich Keenan. Ms. Keenan admits that this Christmas she told her husband not to buy her anything, as they had already spent way too much money on their children’s gifts.

Then, she writes: "I knew full well at the time, of course, that I would hold it against him [if he failed to buy her a nice gift], sure to bring up ‘The Christmas You Never Got Me a Present’ at every argument heretofore, from now until kingdom come."

What gives? From a pragmatic viewpoint (yes, we men tend to be both simple and pragmatic), this kind of thinking might be considered counterproductive.

Unfortunately, it also appears to be the rule in male-female relationships. Rather than telling us exactly what you want, or explaining exactly what you are thinking, you leave us men to figure it out for ourselves.

This is a supremely bad idea. If any of you women doubt me, I suggest you recall how your guy – without any direction – figured out for himself how to get to an unfamiliar destination the last time the two of you ended up lost in the car. Gives new meaning to the phrase, "fashionably late," doesn’t it?

Of course, it also leads to the following question: Why do women persist in playing these mind-reading games with their men?

I posed this question to my wife, and she responded with a one-word answer: Romance.

Apparently, women find it romantic if their men can figure out what they want by some means (hypnosis and Sodium Pentothal come to mind) other than simply having their mates come right out and tell them.

Which brings me back to the fact that my brethren and I are too simple – too dense really – to recognize the mysterious clues you provide us for solving the riddles in your minds.

Oh, we will try and, occasionally, succeed, but more times than not we will read your signals incorrectly or (duh!) miss them entirely. Inevitably, this leads to disappointment for you and the garbage disposal for a handful of innocent little fish sticks.

So, when my wife recently broached the subject of making New Year’s resolutions, I suggested she vow to tell me what was on her mind, rather than making me guess.

"Do you really want me to do that?" she asked.

"Yep," I replied.

Then she took off the gloves and let me have it.

Of course, this led me to revise the conclusion to my hypothesis: Sometimes, things are simply better off left unsaid.

Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.