Not too long ago my eight-year-old son asked me if we could move to California. A natural born performer with multiple talents, he had discovered that Hollywood is the epicenter of the entertainment world.
Of course, a West Coast address would also be beneficial for his old man, whose pursuit of a screenwriting career is saddled with a debilitating handicap – residence in suburban Detroit.
Still, my wife and I have given the matter serious consideration and, after weighing the pros and cons, we decided to stay put.
This did not sit well with my youngest: "How do you expect me to get a part in the next ‘Spy Kids’ movie?"
He will be happy when he learns that a recent development has got me thinking differently.
You see, I really want to vote in California’s gubernatorial recall election, which is scheduled for October 7.
In case you just snapped out of a lengthy coma – does Hallmark make a card for such occasions? – the slate of candidates who have thrown their hats into the ring (in the case of one candidate, make that a watermelon) would fill the booking agent at the Conan O’Brien show with envy.
First up on the ballot is the "Terminator" himself, Ahhhnold Schwahhhzenegger. I understand that "Vote for me, or I will break you!" is his official campaign slogan. And every campaign speech is destined to end with "I’ll be back!"
Also on the ballot are Hustler Magazine publisher Larry Flynt (he describes himself as "a smut peddler who cares"), porn star Mary Carey (an anti-gun activist, she announced a "porno-for-pistols" program), Hollywood personality Angelyne (author of the intellectual thriller, "The Bra that ate LA") and obnoxious comedian and fruit abuser Gallagher.
But the guy who would get my vote, hands-down, is former child star and current security guard, Gary Coleman. Famous for his role as Arnold Jackson on the 1980s hit, "Different Strokes," the diminutive Coleman now pops up regularly on "Star Dates," a reality train-wreck show in which ordinary people go on dates with washed-up celebs.
I imagine a debate between Ahhhnold and Gary Coleman might go something like this:
Moderator: "Mr. Schwarzenegger, please make an opening statement."
Ahhnold: "Alright. Vote for me because I will pump up California’s economy."
Coleman: "Speaking up pumping something up, what about all those claims of sexual harrassment by your former assistants."
Ahhnold: "Hey, shorty, at least I can afford to hire assistants to harrass."
Coleman: "Good point, Willis."
Ahhnold: "Willis?"
Moderator: "Okay, okay. Mr. Coleman, will you please make your opening statment."
Coleman: "Gotcha, chief. All you people should vote for me because I’ll reduce your taxes."
Ahhnold: "I heard your tax relief plan is based on height."
Coleman: "Yep. The taller the taxpayer, the higher the tax bracket."
Ahhnold: "What about beautiful muscles? Do you get a deduction if you have them?"
Coleman: "Nope."
Ahhnold: "Then I will squash your tax plan – and you too!"
Coleman: "Whatchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?"
Coleman proceeds to mug for the camera, while Ahhnold looks behind him for this mysterious "Willis" fellow.
With that, Coleman would be declared the winner and move on to debate the merits of physical comedy with Gallagher.
A talented screenwriter couldn’t make up something this good. It’s better than a "Jerry Springer" episode in which husbands confront wives who have been working as undercover FBI strippers while secretly engaging in illicit affairs with their transvestite third cousins.
Only in America can voters recall a career politician and replace him with the "Govinator". I imagine many Minnesotans are rejoicing at the prospect that this development may lead the rest of the country to forget the fact that a professional wrestler occupies the governor’s mansion in their state.
All of which has me thinking that my wife and I should reconsider our position on family residency. After all, I just read that Gary Coleman is looking for a speech writer.
Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All rights reserved.
Saturday, August 16, 2003
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
The Cuban navy fails again
In case you missed it, last week a group of Cubans attempted to make the ninety-mile journey across the Florida Straits to freedom in America using a 1951 Chevy truck.
For those of you who failed geography in school, the Florida Straits happen to be a body of water between the coast of Florida and communist Cuba.
It seems the twelve, would-be emigrants strapped empty, fifty-five gallon drums to the sides of the bright-green truck, added a small, neon-yellow shelter to its bed and stuck a propeller onto the driveshaft. Of course, they also left the tires on.
The pilot of a military plane spotted the truck, driver behind the wheel, chugging through the Straits at eight mph and reported the unusual sight (after blinking a half-dozen times, no doubt) to the Coast Guard. A short while later, a Coast Guard cutter picked up the Cubans about forty miles from their destination.
After ordering the skipper and his crew aboard, the Coast Guard sank the truck and transported the twelve back to Cuba. The decision was made in accordance with the U.S. immigration policy of “wet foot, dry foot” – Cubans who manage to reach U.S. soil are allowed to stay, but those picked up at sea are returned to their homeland.
Coast Guard Petty Officer Ryan Doss is quoted as saying, “We’ve seen (Cubans on) surfboards, pieces of Styrofoam, bathtubs, refrigerators. But never an automobile.”
This episode raises a number of interesting questions, including:
- How bad must conditions be in Cuba to drive its citizens to attempt to “drive” to America?
Luis: “Hey, Carlos, aren’t you tired of watching these stinking reruns of 1980s’ American t.v. shows?
Carlos: “Yeah, but what can we do about it?”
Luis: “I’m thinking about escaping to America so I can get cable.”
Carlos: “But how are you gonna get there, Luis?”
Luis: “I’m gonna drive there in my bright-green truck.”
Carlos: “But it’s across open water.”
Luis: “So what’s your point?”
Carlos: “You’re gonna need a neon-yellow shelter in the back.”
- How does one navigate a ‘51 Chevy truck across the Florida Straits?
Carlos: “Hey, Luis, don’t you think we should have stopped and asked directions back there.”
Luis: “Back where?”
Carlos: “Back at that island where all those big people were being chased by little people and yelling, ‘Take me with you!’”
Luis: “Oh, you mean Disney’s Castaway Cay.”
- When the Cubans saw the Coast Guard ship bearing down on them, did they gun the motor and attempt to outrun the “law”? If so, it would bring new meaning to the term, “police chase.”
Coast Guard: “Pull over and prepare to be boarded!”
Luis: “You’ll never catch me, Cutter!”
Coast Guard: “No? We’ve got your license plate number!”
Luis: “Oh, damn! Carlos, you were supposed to take that off!”
Carlos: “Oops.”
- What would have happened had the Cubans actually made it to shore?
Irving: “Martha, did you see that?”
Martha: “See what?”
Irving: “A bright-green truck filled with Cubans just drove out of the ocean and headed across the beach.”
Martha: “Irv – did you forget to take your medicine again?”
- Where was General Motors Corporation in all this?
1st GM VP: “Hey, we gotta get our hands on that bright-green truck.”
2nd GM VP: “You mean the one used by those Cubans to try to escape from communist oppression?”
1st GM VP: “That’s the one.”
2nd GM VP: “What do you want with that?”
1st GM VP: “It could be the centerpiece of a whole, new ad campaign. The heck with that ‘built Ford tough’ crap. We could say our vehicles are so tough, they can even cross the Straits of Florida.”
2nd GM VP: “But the truck didn’t make it.”
1st GM VP: “Oh, yeah...But it did get twenty nautical miles to the gallon!”
In the end, the Cubans struck out in their bid for freedom. Based solely upon creativity, I think we should have let them stay in America. It would have been the humane thing to do.
After all, one can only watch so many reruns of “The Love Boat.”
Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All Rights Reserved.
For those of you who failed geography in school, the Florida Straits happen to be a body of water between the coast of Florida and communist Cuba.
It seems the twelve, would-be emigrants strapped empty, fifty-five gallon drums to the sides of the bright-green truck, added a small, neon-yellow shelter to its bed and stuck a propeller onto the driveshaft. Of course, they also left the tires on.
The pilot of a military plane spotted the truck, driver behind the wheel, chugging through the Straits at eight mph and reported the unusual sight (after blinking a half-dozen times, no doubt) to the Coast Guard. A short while later, a Coast Guard cutter picked up the Cubans about forty miles from their destination.
After ordering the skipper and his crew aboard, the Coast Guard sank the truck and transported the twelve back to Cuba. The decision was made in accordance with the U.S. immigration policy of “wet foot, dry foot” – Cubans who manage to reach U.S. soil are allowed to stay, but those picked up at sea are returned to their homeland.
Coast Guard Petty Officer Ryan Doss is quoted as saying, “We’ve seen (Cubans on) surfboards, pieces of Styrofoam, bathtubs, refrigerators. But never an automobile.”
This episode raises a number of interesting questions, including:
- How bad must conditions be in Cuba to drive its citizens to attempt to “drive” to America?
Luis: “Hey, Carlos, aren’t you tired of watching these stinking reruns of 1980s’ American t.v. shows?
Carlos: “Yeah, but what can we do about it?”
Luis: “I’m thinking about escaping to America so I can get cable.”
Carlos: “But how are you gonna get there, Luis?”
Luis: “I’m gonna drive there in my bright-green truck.”
Carlos: “But it’s across open water.”
Luis: “So what’s your point?”
Carlos: “You’re gonna need a neon-yellow shelter in the back.”
- How does one navigate a ‘51 Chevy truck across the Florida Straits?
Carlos: “Hey, Luis, don’t you think we should have stopped and asked directions back there.”
Luis: “Back where?”
Carlos: “Back at that island where all those big people were being chased by little people and yelling, ‘Take me with you!’”
Luis: “Oh, you mean Disney’s Castaway Cay.”
- When the Cubans saw the Coast Guard ship bearing down on them, did they gun the motor and attempt to outrun the “law”? If so, it would bring new meaning to the term, “police chase.”
Coast Guard: “Pull over and prepare to be boarded!”
Luis: “You’ll never catch me, Cutter!”
Coast Guard: “No? We’ve got your license plate number!”
Luis: “Oh, damn! Carlos, you were supposed to take that off!”
Carlos: “Oops.”
- What would have happened had the Cubans actually made it to shore?
Irving: “Martha, did you see that?”
Martha: “See what?”
Irving: “A bright-green truck filled with Cubans just drove out of the ocean and headed across the beach.”
Martha: “Irv – did you forget to take your medicine again?”
- Where was General Motors Corporation in all this?
1st GM VP: “Hey, we gotta get our hands on that bright-green truck.”
2nd GM VP: “You mean the one used by those Cubans to try to escape from communist oppression?”
1st GM VP: “That’s the one.”
2nd GM VP: “What do you want with that?”
1st GM VP: “It could be the centerpiece of a whole, new ad campaign. The heck with that ‘built Ford tough’ crap. We could say our vehicles are so tough, they can even cross the Straits of Florida.”
2nd GM VP: “But the truck didn’t make it.”
1st GM VP: “Oh, yeah...But it did get twenty nautical miles to the gallon!”
In the end, the Cubans struck out in their bid for freedom. Based solely upon creativity, I think we should have let them stay in America. It would have been the humane thing to do.
After all, one can only watch so many reruns of “The Love Boat.”
Copyright 2003 Marc L. Prey
All Rights Reserved.
